Food as a form of love in immigrant families
By Lauren Mei Calora (‘20)
Food can hold both positive and negative associations. Food can be both affirming and constraining, especially for people from immigrant families.
CGS social studies teacher Maureen Reed teaches a class called “American Identity, Culture, and Food” and explores topics of food in the context of culture.
“Food is a double-edged sword for immigrant families,” said Reed. “On the one hand, food is a sign of cultural identity and a way in which people practice rituals or traditions. On the other hand, immigrants also want what's best for their children in America.”
Push and pull factors from an immigrant’s experience can often shape their experience with food.
Push factors are factors that cause an immigrant to want to move away from their home country while pull factors are factors that attract an immigrant to another country to move to.
If an immigrant has moved mostly based on push factors, then food can be a form of staying connected to cultural identity. But if an immigrant has moved mostly based on pull factors, they may want to leave behind the cultural identity they are moving away from.
“When a kid starts to eat different foods and says ‘I don’t like the food you’re offering me,’ that can just be wrenching for a parent. But on the other hand, it’s also sort of what they were hoping for, so it leads to a lot of feelings of conflict,” said Reed.
Children can sometimes be ridiculed or made fun of for having food that is different from their classmates at school. There are many personal accounts of this happening, but I can remember relating to the sentiments shared in “Stealing Buddha’s Dinner” by Bich Minh Nguyen.
In the story, Nguyen has moved to the United States from Vietnam, and recounts her experiences with food growing up. She desires to fit in with her classmates and pushes her grandmother’s Vietnamese food away.
It can be easier to accept food than it is to accept a new culture. However, having conversations centered around food can also open a door for an expansion of beliefs.
In the history of the United States, there have been exclusionary and discriminatory policies set in place. The “land of the free” began with the enslavement of Africans, and not too long ago the Chinese Exclusion Act prohibited Chinese people from coming to America for work.
Even now, we use rhetoric like “illegal aliens” to dehumanize Mexican people crossing the border, but we will happily eat tacos.
“Food can sometimes be an easier way to reckon with cultural differences than some of the other options. It’s complicated,” said Reed.
Many people in the United States are immigrants or descended from immigrants. Some immigrants enter the food industry as an opportunity to run their own business and make a living.
However, restaurant-made food is often altered to appease the “American” tastebuds.
“It’s interesting to consider that when food becomes a commodity, does it lose its capacity to show love or build community?” wondered Reed.
After a food becomes monetarily valued, do you lose the cultural aspect or history behind the food? When a food shifts from a tradition or gift to be shared with a community to a product that can be sold, is the food able to retain its additional values as before?
Andrei Stoica (left) and Alina Stoica (right) in their kitchen: Photo Courtesy of Andrei Stoica
For Catlin Gabel School (CGS) alum Andrei Stoica, his relationship with his mom Alina Stoica centers around food. Mrs. Stoica and her husband immigrated from Romania in hopes of pursuing a better life in America.
The Stoicas run an elderly care home, and thus always have people to care for.
“Different people have different needs, so my mom is always trying to figure out the best meals for everyone. She’s constantly in the kitchen, so that’s where I usually spend time with her,” said Stoica.
Since Stoica’s mom would often be in the kitchen, the kitchen became a space where he would bond with his mom. Growing up, Stoica attempted to help in the kitchen, but more recently he has been able to prepare more elaborate meals with his mom as his cooking skills have grown.
“When I think of my mom making food, I always remember her making bread, which translates to all kinds of things desserts, regular bread, all different kinds of bread-y meals,” said Stoica. “She would always knead [the dough] by hand and get on this little stool to get more on top of the dough to make it as fluffy as possible.”
“Those memories remind me of a lot of love. Romanian meals can take a long time to make, so it reminds me of the nurturing care through that,” he said.
Stoica now recognizes the love and care his mom puts into everything she cooks. However, he also observes that his mom’s food sometimes doesn’t receive the equivalent amount of love and appreciation as the effort and time it took for his mom to cook it.
“In our home, we take care of mostly elderly Americans, and sometimes especially when people first move in, they would eat a lot of take-out or boxed foods because my mom’s cooking isn’t necessarily appreciated as much right away,” said Stoica.
Like Stoica, my relationship with my mom revolved around food, too.
Me (left) and my mom (right) making Filipino pandesal: Photo Courtesy of Zoie Calora
It’s hard for me to say “I love you” to my parents. There’s something vulnerable about those three words, and I still struggle with explicitly communicating how much I love my parents.
Rather, I grew up understanding that food symbolized a relationship of love between me and my parents.
My mom, Elizabeth Calora, grew up in a similar way. Calora was born and raised in Calamba, Philippines.
“In my whole life, I never got hungry. I’m always provided with good food because my mom prioritized food for our family,” she said.
To my mom, food begins as a means to survival - you need to eat to survive, but it also goes beyond that. Food can act as a community builder and a cultural indicator.
“In my family, all our celebrations and gatherings are surrounded around food. It’s not a party without food,” she described.
The center of attention during gatherings was the food, so her family also taught her the importance of providing quality food for guests as a form of hospitality and care.
“For parties we would cook special food: we want to make sure the guests will enjoy the food. Like, lechon - if it’s a big party we will order lechon,” Calora shared.
Lechon Baboy: Photo linked from The Food Dictator
Lechon often comes in the form of a full roast pig, but sometimes if you can’t afford the whole pig, you can order portions of it. The skin is cooked to a crispy brown and the meat inside is tender. The combination of crispy and tenderness combine together for a perfect melody in your mouth.
For my mom, food also played an important role between her and her parents (my grandparents).
“My dad would never reveal his birthday to us, but he would say, ‘Every time we eat lechon, it’s my birthday,’” Calora said.
Her dad brought home lechon more than once every year, and it symbolized celebration and happiness. He never revealed his true birthday, but my mom cherished each day he brought home lechon.
Calora’s mom also valued and celebrated the importance of food.
“My mom encouraged us to save money - education was our priority, so we don’t spend money on makeup or too much expensive clothes. But when it comes to food, we can buy whatever we want - that’s how important it was,” said Calora.
When Calora chose to move to the United States with my dad, she also brought some food traditions and recipes along with her. When she started a family, it became important to always have enough food for my sister and me to eat.
Food is complicated, but also provides key insight on communities we might have never otherwise known.
Across cultures, there seem to be experiences that can be found all around the world, like the value of food as a community-builder, the parent wanting to provide food for their children, or the elder constantly checking if their grandchildren or children have had enough to eat.
I love my parents, but it’s hard for me to say that. I’d rather just show it by preparing a meal for the family and eating it together.
Actions can speak in the place of emotional vulnerability and spoken declarations of love, and for me and my family, and some other immigrant families, those actions usually come in the form of food.