The first form of affirmation when you meet someone new

By Lauren Mei Calora (‘20)

Thanks, Lauren. Nice to meet you, Lauren. 

I’ve been called Lauren at first encounters for almost my whole life. I’ve been called fellow Asian classmates’ names, and I’ve had my name butchered in front of hundreds of people multiple times. 

I introduce myself as Lauren Mei, my first name is Lauren Mei, but “Mei” gets cut when people repeat my name back to me. I started to include a hyphen between Lauren and Mei in emails to provide a little hint, but time and time again, it usually gets disregarded. 

My parents named me Lauren Mei to highlight my Chinese heritage. “Mei” means beautiful, so my first name is supposed to signify beautiful life.

My grandfather on my mom’s side was Chinese, but I never got to meet him because he passed away before I was born. My name reminds me to remember my history and a connection that I never truly got to feel.

I’ve grown used to losing a piece of me every time I meet someone new, and I started to say my name was “Lauren” for one-time meetings, like at a coffee shop or restaurant. I would rather accept defeat than explain my full first name is Lauren Mei because I’ve grown tired. 

Many other students at Catlin Gabel School (CGS) have also been called the wrong names. When we fail to recognize the names people choose to go by, we often invalidate a piece of their identity. The short term effects may be little to none, but repeated mistakes often lead the misnamed person to change their habits and practices. 

During CGS senior Avery Pritchard’s ninth grade, they came out and changed their name. 

“I chose my name because it was similar sounding to my original name and that name had a lot of meaning: I was named after someone in my family. I didn’t want to sever that connection,” said Pritchard. 

Pritchard changed their name to more accurately portray their gender.

“I wanted a more neutral name, and Avery is a fairly gender-neutral name,” said Pritchard. 

Pritchard carries positive associations with their name, but it took some time to overcome the anxiousness of coming out. 

“I had been keeping my name to myself for a while, and it felt really vulnerable exposing myself,” said Pritchard. “I told a slowly expanding group of people, and then at a certain point I came out to everyone through an all school email.”

Even though Pritchard came out to the school, it took some time before everyone recognized and affirmed Pritchard’s names and pronouns. Pritchard no longer had any association with their previous name and pronouns, so it felt invalidating to be referred to in that way.

“I was scared, so when other people were willing to tell other people for me, I appreciated that,” said Pritchard. 

For CGS senior Defne Alpay, her name reflects her Turkish heritage, but when first meeting people, it can often be misspelled or mispronounced based on the spelling. 

Alpay’s parents gave her the name “Defne'' because they wanted a name that Alpay’s grandparents could pronounce in Turkish (Turkish pronunciation: “deaf·neh”). However, she also goes by the Americanized pronunciation “daf·nee'' because Alpay’s parents also wanted to make sure that people could easily pronounce Alpay’s name in the United States. 

“My name is always first on the attendance role because my last name starts with A. So I know my name is already coming, and I remember this sub in seventh grade start to say ‘defff nehhh,’ and then they stopped and hesitated to ask me if they were saying it correctly,” said Alpay. “I always correct them and give them the English pronunciation just because it’s easier.” 

Alpay’s name highlights a duality in her identity: her Turkish heritage and American upbringing. A piece of cultural history is imbued in Alpay’s name, but sometimes she grows tired of having to explain her name and its spelling. 

“When I go to get food, I started spelling my name ‘Daphne’ just so I didn’t have to deal with the person struggling to pronounce my name,” said Alpay. “It was just for convenience’s sake - I’m not embarrassed of my name, but it can be a little frustrating when I have to reiterate how to say my name.” 

Pritchard, Alpay, and I share the fact that our names reveal our cultural histories. For Pritchard, a family history and gender culture, for Alpay, her Turkish heritage, and for me, my Chinese heritage. 

When we meet new people, their name is often the first thing we learn about them. It’s important to address a person by the name they choose to introduce themselves with, and give your best shot at pronouncing it. 

I don’t expect perfection on the first try, but take a moment to consider the power you hold by affirming a person’s chosen name rather than the harm that may be caused by mistaking their name. If you do realize you made a mistake, recognize your mistake and make an effort to correct yourself in the future rather than profusely apologizing over and over again. 

Because CGS is such a small community, it’s valuable to take the effort to learn each other's names. In addition, if you know someone’s being misnamed, consider correcting the person who made the mistake. Often, people who are misnamed experience this over and over. Look out for each other.

And please, it’s Lauren Mei - not Lauren.